


Boulevard of broken dreams

by Captain_Susanne



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 00:03:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16074176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Susanne/pseuds/Captain_Susanne
Summary: This is an alternative storyline of "Year of hell".Voyager is faced with the Krenim, another dangerous species of the Delta Quadrant who change the timeline. Although death is their daily companion, Chakotay surprises his captain with a birthday gift...but this time she acts different than in the real "Year of hell"-episode.





	Boulevard of broken dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoy the story although it is another kind to end a fanfic.  
> I want to thank CheyF for her great support betaing my fanfic :)
> 
> Disclaimer: CBS owns Star Trek Voyager and its characters. No infringement intended. Only the idea of the story is mine.

_Do you think how it would have been sometimes?_ The question circled for the hundredth time in her head. Kathryn Janeway sat on the ground in the messy area of her ready room. It had been 145 days since their first contact with the Krenim, an alien species that changed the timeline for some reasons. The only thing she knew was that they were the most dangerous species they had encountered in the Delta Quadrant. Not even the Borg or species 8472 had been as threatening her crew as the Krenim with their timeship.

Voyager´s captain rummaged around the wreckage looking for her desk computer. In the last days three encounters with the Krenim had caused them countless damages and the room she was in now was barely identifiable as her former ready room. Her eyes wandered from piece to piece of the wreckage and a brown leather book caught her attention. Kathryn reached for the well-known book Chakotay had borrowed from her once and pulled it out of the debris. Opening Dante´s most important work, her hands immediately found the page she was looking for.

“In the middle of the journey of our life, I found myself astray in a dark wood, where the straight road had been lost.” The sentence from Dante Alighieri´s trilogy masterpiece “The Devine Comedy” was her favorite line. She had told Chakotay once this quote and he had been so interested in that she had lent him her book, she got originally from her former fiancé Mark.

Her fingertips moved over the letters as a sigh escaped Kathryn´s throat thinking back of Chakotay. He had been her steady compass during their journey and above all as the Krenim started to attack them almost daily. After several weeks of assaults, she didn´t even know the date. Therefore on her birthday, he caught her unaware.

_“Happy what?”_

_“Today is May 20th.”_  
“Is it? I thought we were still in April. Guess I've lost track of the time.”

_“Well, this should help.” Chakotay held a pocket watch in his hand, catching Kathryn´s gaze as she looked up curiously from her work._

_Hesitating, she took the present and contemplated the watch with pensive and sad eyes. “It's beautiful.”_

_“Nineteenth century, mechanical movement. It's a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy. His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed, but eight months later Cray sailed his ship into London harbor. There wasn't much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home.”_

_  
“I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't keep this. Recycle it. We can't afford to waste energy on nonessentials.” Kathryn handed back the pocket watch into Chakotay´s hand._

_“Kathryn, I replicated this months ago. I've been saving it. I wanted you to have it.” The disappointment was audible._

_“That watch represents a meal, a hypospray, or a pair of boots. It could mean the difference between life and death one day.” Although she hadn´t looked up at him, she had known how deep she had hurt him with her words._

However her refusal had been the beginning of their romance. Later on that day Kathryn had visited him in his quarters he shared since a week with two other crewmen, Ayala and Doyle.

_“I hope I´m not coming amiss?”_

_Chakotay noticed the uncertainty in her voice and gestured for Kathryn to come in._

_“I would like to invite you to a coffee, but unfortunately the replicator system was badly damaged in the morning.”_

_“This birthday present wasn´t exactly what I wished for.” Kathryn grimaced and walked into the middle of the living room looking at the mess everywhere. The room consisted of a mix of debris on all surfaces and different pieces of clothing lying scattered through the room._

_Seeing the wandering look on her face, Chakotay felt embarrassed and tugged his earlobe. “The guys and I hadn´t expected any visitor, but in my defense my rooms haven't looked this bad since my old Academy days.”_

_“You don´t have to apologize, Chakotay.” Kathryn stepped forward, closing the distance between them. “This time it´s my turn to apologize!”_

_He gave her an astonished look._

_“My behavior this morning is inexcusable. This beautiful pocket watch you wanted to give me is such a wonderful present and it means a lot to me that you found time to remember my birthday.”_

_A smile spread across his face as she put her hand on his chest, a gesture of closeness which she hadn´t shared with him since their first encounter with the Krenim._

_“But you have to understand that I can´t accept your great gift. The crew and Voyager need every potential energy source we can get. So please Chakotay, recycle it, will you?”_

_His heart sank hearing her request once more. He had replicated the chronometer months ago after he had thought very long about a suitable and yet meaningful present for her._

_Chakotay reached for her hand on his chest and brought it to his lips giving the back of her hand a soft kiss._

_Butterflies. Kathryn felt butterflies in her belly the moment Chakotay´s lips touched her skin. In the following seconds the feeling spread through her whole body and Kathryn couldn´t avert her gaze from her first officer. His shiny dark brown eyes looked at her with an intensity she hadn´t seen since the last day they spent on New Earth._

_Chakotay watched her emotions and put her hand back on his chest. “Can you feel it? My heartbeat?”_

_Kathryn nodded silently. Her heart beat as fast as his, racing. Chakotay caressed her hand with his´ and led it then to his lips again kissing each of her fingertips softly._

_Kathryn felt paralyzed and didn´t struggle as he pulled her into his arms. His thumb stroked her right cheek which blushed immediately. Chakotay bent his head forward and brushed her lips with a gentle kiss which got more demanding in the next moment._

_Kathryn clung to his back as his tongue found hers. Her whole body melted into his embrace and it seemed to her as if time stood still. She felt totally safe in his arms and forgot the fear of losing her crew and ship because of the Krenim and their attacks._

_Suddenly Chakotay broke the kiss and Kathryn moaned, losing the touch of his lips. Opening her eyes she faced him with a puzzled look as she heard the sound of an opening door._

Ayala and Doyle had stepped in the quarters and stopped talking when they saw the couple in the middle of the living room still standing in an embrace. Kathryn´s facial expression was readable for everyone in the room. She felt embarrassed and caught in the act. Without taking a look at him, she freed herself from Chakotay´s embrace and left quietly. In the corridor on the way to her quarters, she argued with herself for acting so imprudently.

_Meanwhile Chakotay was faced with two surprised pair of eyes._

_“If you didn´t want to have company, you should have changed the lock code, Commander!” Ayala looked at his old friend with an amused smile._

_“Finally you both made it!” added Doyle, giving Chakotay a wink._

_Voyager´s first officer threw an angry look at his friends and headed to the exit, his lips tightly sealed. He desperately wanted to speak with her to clear the air after this embarrassing situation. Chakotay followed her with fast steps and reached Kathryn before she could key in her door´s code._

_“Kathryn, wait!” He grabbed her hand, and she promptly pulled away from him._

_“Leave me alone!” Kathryn´s reaction was a mix between shame, disappointment and guilt._

_“We have to talk about this!” Chakotay said calmly, hoping to reduce her anger._

_Kathryn stifled a sigh, closed her eyes and stroked the bridge of her nose. He was right. They had to talk about it, but not here. Like all the other crewmembers she had to share her quarters since a week ago. Samantha Wildman and her little daughter Naomi got her bedroom while Kathryn slept on her couch._

_Turning around, she waved for Chakotay to follow her, and they went through the corridor without a word. They arrived at the turbolift not even a minute later and Chakotay eyed her with a questioning look on his face which Kathryn ignored._ _Since day 47, the entire turbolift system was non-operational and she knew that no one would disturb them there._

_As the door closed behind them, Kathryn headed to the lift´s back wall and turned around, her arms folded. She looked at him, eyes shimmering with vulnerability. Chakotay knew that he had overstepped a mark and sensed that his action could cause a real damage to their friendship._

No one had spoken in the first seconds after they had entered the lift. The silence felt uncomfortable for them both. It had been Chakotay who took heart and started to end the quietness.

_“I´m sorry, Kathryn!” he whispered and broke the spell._

_Kathryn continued to face him; she didn´t react to his apology. Her stubbornness started to annoy him and Chakotay closed the distance between them._

_“What else shall I do, Kathryn? I know I overstepped a mark and broke the parameters you set once. But I´m only human, you know? And if I remember correctly you didn´t refuse the embrace and the subsequent kiss.” Chakotay fixed his eyes on Kathryn waiting for her reaction._

_Kathryn´s eyes widened at his words and her body started to tremble._

_“It´s always easier to blame the other person, right Chakotay?” Kathryn´s cheeks blushed in anger._

_Now it was his turn to be surprised._

_“Other person? Spirits, Kathryn, listen to yourself!” He looked down to the lift´s floor and took a deep breath._

_“What I´m saying now has nothing to do with our working conditions on board Voyager. It´s something private between friends.” He took another breath before telling her how selfish and denying she was sometimes to him._

_His saying sank into Kathryn´s mind. She filtered every word attentively and inside her grew indignation._

_“Ok, Chakotay, that´s enough. I won´t stay here any second longer listen to your allegations.” Kathryn hissed and tried to pass by his side as Chakotay grabbed her arm and pulled her back against the lift´s wall. His nose was only inches away from hers._

_“This time you have to listen to me, Kathryn! I´m talking to you as a friend and not as your first officer. Badges of rank are irrelevant now. Yes, you´re oblivious to me and my feelings. Have you ever thought of this? How I´m feeling? How I suffer every day sitting next to you on the bridge not allowed to touch and kiss you?” Chakotay tried to make eye contact with her while all his dissatisfaction blustered out of his mouth._

_Kathryn tried to free herself from his grip but failed, captive to his words. As he finished, she surrendered and glared at him._

_“You accepted the parameters once! So why do you argue now? Do you really think that it is only you who has to suffer every day? Have you ever thought of me?” The last sentence had been only a whisper. It seemed that her captain´s mask vanished and tears appeared in her eyes running silently down her cheeks._

_Chakotay watched the change in her facial expression and felt guilty immediately. He enfolded her in his arms and caressed her back. Kathryn nestled her head against his neck and brushed the tears away with her palm. Holding her in his arms closer than ever before, Chakotay could smell her floral scent and inhaled it deeply._

_“I´m sorry, Kathryn!” he whispered into her hair. “It wasn´t my intention making you feel uncomfortable. I´m such a fool!”_

_The stroking of his hands as well as his apologizing words calmed her and Kathryn started to enjoy the closeness they shared._

_As she lifted her head up to him Kathryn linked her eyes to Chakotay´s and saw all his feelings for her there: love, desire, passion, sorrow and fear. This time, Kathryn raised her lips to his and met him lightly. Chakotay´s body responded to her kiss, and he pulled Kathryn even closer to him. His tongue parted her lips searching for its partner. Tongues were circling and dancing around each other, hands were wandering and exploring the body of the other and breathing became erratic. Their kisses got more and more demanding._ _Passion and lust exploded between them and Kathryn started to unzipp his uniform. She wanted desperately to touch him._

_Chakotay stopped kissing her, realizing what she wanted and helped her to undress him. When the jacket had gone, he pulled his shirt over his head. Her eyes widened as his muscular chest was revealed to her and she began to caress him lightly with her fingertips, sending a warm tingle through Chakotay´s body. Her hands wandered up from his torso to his face feathering across the lips she had kissed seconds ago. One of her hands moved to stroke his cheek._

_Chakotay relished her touches and his eyes never left hers while his heart beat faster and faster. How many years had he longed for this moment to feel, touch and kiss her? He never had thought that it would happen and now he stood here with the woman he loved more than his life in a time when fear and death were their daily companions._

_“I don´t know if this is right or wrong, what I´m saying now, but being confronted with danger and death every day in the last weeks I have to tell you something which I´ve carried  for years in my heart.” Chakotay looked deeply into her questioning eyes as he continued his confession._

_“I love you, Kathryn! I loved you from the first moment I saw you on my view screen. And I´ll be damned if I won´t prove you my love now. I missed the chance on New Earth and I don´t know if I´ll get this chance again.” He punctuated his sentence with a passionate kiss._

_Kathryn responded to his confession of love and tightened the embrace while a few tears of joy ran down her cheeks. She nestled up to his body, silently giving him permission to go one step further and assume control. Chakotay kissed her again and moved his mouth down to her neck lightly kissing her soft skin. A quiet groan escaped her mouth, a tingling sensation humming through her lips as they kissed. Goosebumps emerged on her body starting at her arms and wandering down to her toes._

_Chakotay stopped kissing Kathryn and began to undress her. First he unzipped her jacket, then pulled her shirt over her head and finally opened her bra. His eyes wandered over her enjoying the sight in front of him._

_“You´re so beautiful, Kathryn!”, he whispered, looking into her ocean blue eyes._

_Kathryn answered his compliment with a demanding kiss and clung to his body again feeling the first touch of skin to skin. Her nipples hardened immediately at the touch of Chakotay´s chest and his hand began to caress one of her breasts forcing the tingling sensation in her belly to spread through the rest of her body._

_Hearing her moans of pleasure, Chakotay sank to his knees, running his hands over her waist and hips, bringing his palms to rest on her bottom. He looked up and saw her shiny eyes watching his actions with delight. Chakotay slowly opened her trousers and let them fall to the floor, then pressed his nose into the fragrant cotton of her panties. He inhaled her arousal and wanted more of her. Chakotay stood up and started to lick and suck at her hardened nipple. Her breathing became erratic as she divested him of the last of his clothing, his erection exposed in the light._

_Kathryn uttered a sigh of excitement at his obvious lust and looked at him with a crooked smile. His hands wandered down to her hips and pulled her panties away._

_The last visible barrier between them had gone. Then he pressed his body against hers continuing kissing while his hands explored her body, starting at her breasts, moving over her belly to her secret center. Chakotay´s hand stroked over Kathryn’s pubic mound and he knew she was already wet inside her labia. His hand wandered from her hip over her sex to her inner thighs and then back to her secret center. Kathryn´s body shivered, reacting to his wonderful touches._

_“Chakotay.” Her husky voice was only a groan asking for more._

_Chakotay silenced her with a demanding kiss while his hand caressed her sex. Then his forefinger and middle finger entered her between her labia feeling the wetness inside her and started to massage her clitoris._

_Kathryn gasped at the wonderful sensation she felt building inside her. She had to stop the kissing to allow her to breathe again and fasten the grip on him. Her clitoris began to swell just as Chakotay´s fingers left her almost hardened pearl and searched the entrance to her inner core and pushed inside her. The feeling of his movements drove her almost over the edge. Her body trembled under his actions and Chakotay felt immense satisfaction seeing her body aching in pleasure. As he removed his fingers, Kathryn moaned with displeasure. She was aroused and about to climax._

_Chakotay lifted her up against the lift´s wall and settled his hips between her legs allowing his member to enter her finally. Kathryn´s legs clung round his hips. In the first seconds, the intruder caused her some pain. It had been some_ _time since she had made love. But the pain changed to a welcome feeling she almost had forgotten._

_Chakotay pushed inside her with slow strokes. He felt her muscles clench around his penis and it nearly drove him over the edge. His strokes got faster and faster. The sensation to prove his undying love for her not only by words but also physically filled Chakotay´s whole body with pleasure which he never had thought to gain again._

_Waves of pleasure ran through her body and Kathryn´s mind begged him not to stop. Their breathing became loud in the small space, their gasps erratic. Kathryn clung to his body declaring her love to her first officer when both climaxed at the same time._

_Suddenly, it was silent in the turbolift. Only the sound of two people out of breath broke the peace. Chakotay released Kathryn from his grip giving her feet the chance to stand on the ground. She glowed from the exertion. He caressed her right cheek and bent forward to brush her mouth with his lips._

_“Happy Birthday, Kathryn!” he whispered with a dimpled smile on his face._

_Kathryn looked at him with pure love in her eyes. How she adored that _smile_ , those _dimples_ , but most of all the man himself. She wanted to answer him, but thanked him instead, with a soft kiss. _

_Voyager´s red alert sounded through the tiny room._

_“_ _All hands to battle stations. Krenim vessels approaching. Repeat, all hands to battle stations.” Tuvok´s voice jolted them out of their daze._

_Kathryn opened her eyes in shock hearing the alarm sound and was faced with a worried look on Chakotay´s face. Without saying any word, both commanding officers put their clothes on and headed out of the turbolift._

Opening her eyes, a single tear escaped and ran down her right cheek. Kathryn brushed it away and gazed back to the little brown book in her hands. That had been the best birthday ever for her. Even in her wildest dreams, she hadn´t thought the day would end like that. The Krenim attack had caused them some heavy damages on several decks, but luckily, no one died this day. She carried those memories deeply in her heart and wouldn´t ever forget.

Kathryn stood up from the floor and wandered to the window. No stars could be seen outside only the inside of the nebula, in which they had hidden Voyager again after two other encounters with the Krenim. Kathryn pulled the book to her chest holding it firmly there. Her mind drifted away again back to the days following her last birthday. They had made love several times and every time it had felt right to her. There was no guilt or bad conscience anymore, there was just love for him.

As Chakotay was captured by the Krenim timeship her heart had ached in a pain she never had felt before. But she had to think with a clear mind. It was the only way to act correctly and to rescue Chakotay and Tom.

More than seventy days had gone by since she had seen him the last time. How she missed him! She missed every little piece of him: the sound of his voice, his guiding and encouraging advice, his companionship, his scent, his touch, his lips on hers and his love. Looking down Kathryn caressed her flat belly. Until now there was no hint that inside her grew the symbol of their love. Almost two weeks ago the Doctor had detected that she was pregnant. She had blocked out the signs: the tiredness, the morning nausea and the absent menstruation. Chakotay´s and Tom´s rescue as well as the different Krenim attacks forced her to think of more relevant issues than her health. She first experienced her pregnancy on day 133 of their plight. They had taken refuge in a class nine nebula and the ventilation system had had a malfunction causing an invasion of the nebula´s purple gas inside Voyager´s corridors. She had inhaled some of the gas which had chemically burned the alveoli in her lungs. She remembered the Doctor´s furious voice about her behavior and her stubbornness not to listen to his medical advice.

_“How is Harry?” Kathryn asked the EHM while she checked some data at the tactic station._

_“He'll be fine, but I'm surprised he didn't asphyxiate. I told you eight minutes on that deck, not eight and a half, not nine, and certainly not twelve.” The angry voice of the EMH echoed through the bridge._

_  
“Would you rather have an indoor nebula? If we didn't stop it then and there, it would have flooded another two decks.”_

_“The alveoli in your lungs have been chemically burned. I want you off your feet for the next forty eight hours.” Scanning her, his eyes widened, another life sign registering on the medical tricorder._

_  
“Impossible. I've got too much work to do.” Kathryn left the tactic station and headed to B´Elanna´s direction while the Doctor followed her annoyed._

_  
“There are seven other crew members on board. You're the captain. Delegate.” The EHM monitored the display of his tricorder and showed his commanding officer an indignant look._

  
“Inject me with trioxin. That should help me breathe a little easier.”

_“Trioxin is used in emergency situations as a stop-gap measure. Your lungs have suffered serious damage. They need to be treated properly. Doctor's orders. Besides that there is something else I have to tell you.”_

  
“Captain's orders. Trioxin. Now.”

_“But Captain!” Kathryn threw an angry look at him telling the EHM not to discuss her orders._

_“Aye, aye. It's your body. Who am I to judge? I'm only the Chief Medical Officer. What do I know?”_

_“Thank you.” The injection of trioxin helped her immediately to breathe easier but after Kathryn had inhaled some of the air her body started another convulsive coughing fit. The Doctor faced her with a worried look._

_“But Captain, if you are done here, we have to talk about something. Please visit me later! Agreed?”_

_“Agreed.”_

_Two hours later she had visited the EHM in sickbay. She expected a tongue-lashing from him and was prepared for it._

_“Ok Doctor, here I am. You can start!”_

_“Start?” The EHM eyed her with a puzzled look._

_“Telling me how stubborn I am.”_

_“That won´t work. I dismissed it a long time ago. But please follow me. I think you should sit down hearing what I´ll tell you now.” He pointed with his hand to his office and started to walk._

_“Before I start, how is your breathing? On a scale from one to ten, how is the pain while you breathe?”_

_“It´s bearable, Doctor.” Seeing his scrutinizing look she added: “Five.”_

_“Good. I´ll give you something later for the pain.” He opened his medical computer and faced his captain for a few seconds with uncertain eyes, considering how to tell her the news._

_“Go ahead, Doctor. What´s it you have to say?” Kathryn sat restless in the chair watching her counterpart._

_“You´re pregnant, Captain!”, he said with a calm tone in his voice._

_The news impacted her deeply. She had thought of all possibilities he could tell her but wasn´t prepared for this. She swallowed the lump in her throat and faced him with an astonished look._

_“Pregnant? How?”_

_“Captain, I don´t have to tell you about the birds and the bees. I think you know…”_

_“I know Doctor!” Kathryn rolled annoyed her eyes. “But I thought my boosters were still working?”_

_“Normally they would work if the patient would come to her yearly check-up. Yours would have been in April, but under the circumstances you as I hadn´t thought of it.”_

_Kathryn leaned back in the chair and stroked the bridge of her nose. Her mind was a mess and her heart was flooded with a mix of emotions. Joy, happiness, fear and worry hit her at the same time sending an overwhelming feeling through her body._

_She carried Chakotay´s child under her heart. Tears welled up in her eyes. At any other point in time she would have embraced the whole world for this message but now she felt anxious. What kind of life could this child expect?_

_The Doctor´s words broke her reverie. “You are now in the ninth week. The baby is healthy and wasn´t affected with the nebula´s gas you inhaled in the morning. If you want to carry the child to term you have to follow my orders.”_

_Kathryn nodded silently to his words. Her mind was still handling the news of her pregnancy._

_“Take a daily dose of folic acid and vitamin D. Your baby needs this getting strong and healthy.”_

_The doctor watched his patient considerately and gave her an encouraging look. Seeing the captain still deep in thoughts, he stood up and walked towards her. The EHM laid his hand gently on Kathryn´s shoulder, giving her a squeeze.  
_

_“Commander Chakotay will be back before your child is born. Trust me, Captain. And until then I´m here if you need someone to talk.”_

_Kathryn looked to him, astonished. “How do you know?”, she asked shyly._

_“The DNA can´t lie.” A soft smile covered his face. “Besides I´m really happy for you both, although the circumstances could be better for raising a child. But I believe we´ll survive this challenge as we managed all the other ones before.”_

_His encouraging words were balm for her soul. Kathryn stood up and hugged him, offering thanks for his kind, supporting words._

A deep sigh escaped Kathryn´s throat thinking back at the moment she was told being pregnant. She turned around from the window and left her former ready room. She felt exhausted and needed some rest. On her way to her quarters she thought of Chakotay again. Her soul as well as her body longed for him. It seemed to her that the pregnancy hormones made her more vulnerable to sentimental feelings than normal.

As she finally arrived at her quarters, Kathryn crossed the living area and headed directly to her bedroom. The silence there felt uncomfortable to her. Before, she was used to the quiet, but since she had admitted to herself her feelings for Chakotay, she loved to be around him. Memories and emotions of the five days she had spent in love with him crossed her mind´s eye. Kathryn lay down Dante´s book onto the bedside table and started to undress as she began her daily personal log entry.

“Personal log, stardate 51452.1. It´s been two months without you, Chakotay. It feels like an eternity to me. I wished I could tell you about our child, how I love and miss you! But life is cruel sometimes.”

Kathryn stopped the entry for a second, thinking how to proceed. Her eyes wandered down to her lap freeing her folded hands. One of her hands moved up to her belly and started to caress the region where the baby grew. Kathryn continued her entry.

“Have I ever told you, Chakotay, that something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself in your arms? That something in your voice makes my heart beat fast.”

A sigh escaped her throat and Kathryn closed her eyes before she resumed.

“If you could know how lonely my life has been and how long I've been so alone. And if you could know how I wanted someone to come along and change my life the way you've done. If you could know how long I've waited for your touch and how happy you are making me.  
I never thought that I could love anyone so much. I hope I can say the following words soon to you face to face: You feel like home to me, Chakotay!”

 

***

The next two months were sprinkled with more huge attacks by the Krenim. Voyager looked like a maltreated body limping through space. The hull was stricken with serious witnesses of the Krenim´s weapons fire. Kathryn and Neelix walked through Voyager´s corridors analyzing the damages for their weekly inventory.

“Another ruptured EPS conduit.” Kathryn´s voice sounded annoyed and exhausted.

  
“Thirty two so far.”

   
“Thirty three, thirty four, thirty five. And that fluidic converter needs to be purged.” She told Neelix while he keyed the information for the inventory into his PADD. A moment later they arrived at a well-known door. Her gaze froze showing a shocked expression on her face.

   
“The gravitational plating in this room has buckled.” she said horrified.

   
“Chakotay's quarters.”, came Neelix´s quiet answer.

Kathryn´s eyes wandered through the severely damaged room. Since he had been captured she hadn´t visited his quarters anymore. Kathryn scanned the wreckage as her tricorder indicated a familiar object under a piece of debris. Kathryn knelt down reaching for the silver item. Tears welled up in her eyes as she realized what she held in her hand. The pocket watch was covered with dust, but still intact and working.

“You disobeyed orders.”, she whispered to herself.

“Captain?” Neelix faced his commanding officer with a puzzled look.

   
“Chakotay gave this to me five months ago. A birthday gift. I ordered him to…” Her voice broke as she felt the emotions flooding her heart. Kathryn brushed the tears away with her palm and used the heavy chain to secure the watch to her trousers. Turning around she asked her morale officer what he thought of her new accessory.  

“Handsome.”, came his encouraging quiet answer.

***

On day 226 she decided to stay alone on Voyager. Some days ago Kathryn had forged a coalition with the Nihydron and the Mawasi. Together they were preparing to attack the Krenim´s weapon ship. Tuvok, Neelix, Seven and the Doctor were beamed onto the Mawasi ship to work from there while Harry and B´Elanna supported the engineers on the Nihydron vessel. Kathryn´s plan was to pilot Voyager and coordinate the attack.

Now was day 257. The war with the Krenim had lasted almost a year and Kathryn was fed up with this species. In an hour, Voyager and the formed coalition´s vessels would reach the coordinates of the timeship, which Tom Paris had transmitted some weeks ago, and then their final battle would begin.

Kathryn gazed around the bridge, sliding over the debris and destroyed stations, all silent reminders of their battles against the Krenim. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. As her eyes opened, Kathryn faced a boulevard of broken dreams in front of her. The way from her command chair to the helm was hardly recognizable and everywhere wirings hung from the ceiling. Her mission to get the crew home looked in this moment far away, but Kathryn didn´t view this as a hopeless situation. Although she felt desperate, she was willing to do anything. Her only endeavor was now to win this war and to survive the final battle against Annorax and his timeship. She hoped that after the victory the life on Voyager could go on and she could hold Chakotay in her arms at the end of the day.

The voice of one of her best friends broke the silence. Tuvok called from a Mawasi ship to report that all vessels are ready.

“Let's see if Tom has done his part. Janeway to the fleet. Attack pattern Omega. Engage.”

All vessels fired at the same time at Annorax´s ship, but it seemed that no phaser fire or torpedo had really damaged the ship. In return the Krenim activated their time weapon and fired at two Nihydron warships, which vanished immediately.

“Captain, two Nihydron vessels have been destroyed.” Although the battle was relentless Tuvok´s voice was still quiet which helped her to stay calm and to focus upon her target. 

   
“Janeway to the fleet. Evasive pattern Delta. We're going to have to wait. Come on, Tom. Come on.“

The following minutes felt like hours. Kathryn had to distract herself and thought of the most important person in her life, Chakotay. What did happen on the Krenim timeship? Were he and Tom alright? Kathryn caressed her belly. The little bump was already more than recognizable. She thought of Chakotay´s reaction when she finally told him she was pregnant with his child, the visible sign of their true love. Tuvok´s call jolted her out of her thoughts.

“Captain, Chakotay and Paris were beamed aboard our vessel.”

The message that Chakotay as well as Tom were safe on board of one of the ally ships soothed her nerves and Kathryn refocused to the situation. Her heartbeat and level of adrenaline was high. With a bit of luck, later she could take Chakotay in her arms and tell him how much she loved and missed him. Finally she could reveal her pregnancy.

“Everything's going as planned. Tom sent me the coordinates of their temporal core before he left. I'm transmitting them to you now.” Kathryn keyed in the coordinates and pushed the button that Tuvok got them.

Within seconds all vessels of the ally were able to cause the timeship damages. Without the temporal core, the Krenim´s timeship was vulnerable for their weapons. However Voyager´s enemy didn´t surrender and fired everything they had.

Suddenly Kathryn heard a loud bang and before she could realize what happened she was knocked across the deck. A damaged Mawasi cruiser had crashed into Voyager. Crawling back to the captain´s chair Kathryn touched her belly and hoped that the baby was ok. When she lifted her head, she was shocked by a big hole where the viewscreen used to be. Now there was only a force field between her and a close view of Annorax´s ship.

“All our ships have been disabled, Captain. Do you have weapons?”

Tuvok´s notification hit her hard. Kathryn shook her head and buried her face in her hands. All options seemed now to be depleted. They were lost. She was lost. In her mind she recalled all the happy moments they had spent together here in the Delta Quadrant: the moment she first met Chakotay…their time on New Earth, when she had to admit to herself that she had fallen in love with him…the luau party on the holodeck when Chakotay had danced with her almost the whole evening and she had enjoyed so much the closeness they had shared there…and her last birthday where she let her invisible barriers fall and told Chakotay her love for him and their romance finally started. But Kathryn didn´t only think of him but also of her other friends. She remembered Tuvok´s attempt two years ago getting her interested in his variety of orchids. She could still hear Tom´s and Harry´s funny jokes about Neelix´s cooking skills. She thought of B´Elanna´s way from a dissatisfied Maquis to an indispensable member of her crew.

As Kathryn dwelt on her thoughts, an idea came her.

“Captain, do you have weapons?” resounded Tuvok´s question on the bridge.

  
“Negative. Torpedo launchers are down. I'm setting a collision course. Janeway to the fleet. Take your temporal shields offline.”

   
“Captain, we won't be protected.”

   
“Exactly. If that ship is destroyed all of history might be restored. And this is one year I'd like to forget.”

She lowered her gaze looking at her belly where her and Chakotay´s child grew. Putting her hands at the bump tears ran down her cheeks and she whispered words of love to the unknown love of her life.

“Please forgive me, my little angel, but I´ve run out of options. There is only one chance to win this war. And maybe we´ll see you again in the future.”

Lifting her head Kathryn faced Annorax´s ship with an angry look and keyed in the collision course.

“Time's up.” One of her hands lay on her belly caressing her unborn child for the last time, the other clutched the arm of her captain´s chair while her eyes faced Chakotay´s one.

“I love you, Chakotay! ”

The last word of Kathryn´s love confession had blustered out of her mouth as Chakotay, who just had arrived on the bridge of the Mawasi ship, saw a huge explosion on the view screen forcing him to scream out her name in desperation.

There was no happy ending, no final kiss between lovers. Everything happened as it should have happened. Voyager crashed into its mortal enemy whose ship exploded in a huge detonation and within seconds the timeline changed back to the moment when Voyager met for the first time the Krenim.

“When can you bring it online?” Kathryn´s gazed to the Ops station where Seven and Harry Kim stood.

   
“We just did.”, came the monotone voice of the former Borg drone.

“In fact, we're in the process of charting a new course home.”, added Harry proudly.

  
“Well, I'd say this is cause for celebration.”

Looking up at his captain, Chakotay was faced with her gorgeous smile. His heart accelerated when he saw her beautiful face.

“A vessel is approaching off the port bow, Captain.” Tuvok´s announcement forced Kathryn to leave Chakotay´s sight.

   
“On screen.” Kathryn eyed the unknown vessel with curiosity.

  
“They're hailing us.”, called Harry from the Ops.

“Open a channel.” Seconds later an alien commandant appeared on the view screen.

   
“You've entered Krenim space. State your identity.” The imperious voice of the man sounded over the bridge.

   
“Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. We're just passing through, trying to get home.” Kathryn tried to sound as neutral and polite as possible although the harsh tone of the man´s voice had annoyed her.

   
“This region is in dispute. I suggest you avoid our territory.”

   
“Thanks for the warning.” Emphasizing her words Kathryn nodded her head.

“Good journey.”

   
“Tom, plot a course around Krenim space.”

  
“Aye, sir.” Within a second Lieutenant Paris had implemented Chakotay´s order and had changed Voyager´s course. Meanwhile Chakotay bent forward to his captain telling her the idea which had hit him a moment ago.

“So, what do you think? How about a ground-breaking ceremony for our new lab?

“Sounds great.”, called Harry from his Ops station with a big smile on his face.

Hearing the joy in his voice Kathryn viewed her grinning ensign and then turned back to her first officer.  

“I think I'll replicate a bottle of Saint Emillion for the occasion. 2370. I hear that was a good year.” A smile played around her lips as she agreed outright with Chakotay´s idea.

Chakotay heard a single question out of nowhere watching Kathryn´s stunning aura. What if we celebrate our new lab later in your or my quarters? The question was an unspoken desire in Chakotay´s mind. He lingered on what it would be like if he´d had the courage to terminate the barriers between them.

“Well, we´ll never know.” The sentence came quiet out of his mouth and caught Kathryn´s attention.

“What did you say, Commander?”

“Nothing, Captain.”

Even though she´d looked back down at the console, Chakotay still eyed her with a light disappointed look on his face.

“We´ll never know.”, he thought once more and then restarted his work.   


End file.
